A Rant from my Soapbox

Well if you keep up with me on facebook then you know I am still alive. I haven’t had a lot to post about recently and I honestly still do not have much to post about. I do however wish to step up on my little soap box. Like a lot of people I was upset to hear of Whitney Houston’s death. I have mixed emotions about the issue. Mind you we do not know the cause of death; but I honestly feel like she wasted a great talent. She turned to substance use to fill a void in her life, and at this point those substances may have been what made her succumb to her death. I grieve for her family who is suffering a loss and possibly wondering if there was anything they could have done differently. I give her credit for her talent but that is all I can give her credit for and that is a shame. To see people like Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston throw away talent is truly sad. Their deaths in some way make me angry…drug use makes me angry. In my line of work I see people using and throwing away their lives. I see women abandoning children for their drug of choice, and I see men abandoning their family. It truly sickens me to see substance users getting assistance from the government and using the money to get a fix. In return I see people losing benefits who need those benefits to survive. I have witness people with serious illnesses lose their benefits all the while the meth head on the street gets their check. It makes me psychically ill to witness such travesty. It makes me wonder where the system went wrong.

I get frustrated that we hardly pay tribute to men and women fighting for a system that has gone wrong and we glorify the junkies with talent. That may be harsh but in reality it there is some truth to it. They had beautiful voices and talent but they are not fighting for my freedom. These men and women fight for our right to listen to the talent. Our services men and women need recognition and we need to fight for justice in a system gone wrong. I pray that Whitney finds peace but more importantly I pray for our troop’s safety. I am stepping off my soap box now.

My Lesson

As I sit here listening to my partner play on her fender telecaster I felt it would be appropriate to blog.  Music inspires me and her playing inspires me further. My week has been stressful and nerve racking. I blame myself for the stress. One thing I have learned is life is full of lessons. One lesson that I am struggling to learn is I cannot fix every problem. My nature is to attempt to fix everything and make everything whole.   My fetal attempts to fix things around me can lead to a high stress level. I cannot fix every problem and every one. I have to learn that others have to fix the damage in their lives. I can be there to encourage them and support them; however I cannot mend their spirit or their heart. The sooner I learn this the less stress I will have in my life. The hardest lessons learned are the most appreciated.

One of my mother’s wishes was for me to write a book. She always enjoyed reading things that I had written. She was an avid reader of my blog and had it marked in her favorites on her laptop. I would love to honor her memory and write a book; however I am not sure exactly what to write about.  I have been thinking a lot about it since her death.  I have a couple ideas floating around my mind.  I hope one day to fulfill her wish for me and make her proud. Who knows what the future holds? What would you write about if you were writing a book?

Well I am still alive and breathing. I have been on a holiday hiatus. The holidays were wonderful and filled with much love. I spent the majority of my holiday time working .the rest of my time was spent with my partner and her mother. I enjoy spending time with my partner’s mother after losing mine over a year ago. I loved feeling the joy and love of the holidays. My life has changed for the better and I am truly blessed. I will always be humble and grateful for the life I have.


I am going to make every effort to write more this year. By the way if this is the year it all ends as some are predicting, might I state I have lived a life with no regrets.

My Holiday Wish List

I am still alive and I realize I haven’t posted anything in a while. I really do not have an acceptable excuse for my lack of posting other than just being busy. I thought a holiday post was in order.


I am not a materialistic person and I never have really made a Christmas wish list. I have learned over the years to be thankful for things like love and friendship. For me the holidays are about giving. Honestly though I like to give all year round because it brings me joy. I thought to myself if I were to compose a Christmas wish list what would it look like. After a little thought this is what I came up with. The first thing I would wish for is my mother’s journal. It was a mother daughter journal that my mother worked on for me for a few years. My mother didn’t have much and even if she had I wouldn’t want it. That journal to me is more valuable than anything. Those were her words to me. Even if I never obtain the journal I can treasure the moments we share because those cannot be taken from me. The second thing on my wish list is rather odd but so am I. I would like to dress up as Snoopy and pass out Christmas presents at a children’s hospital. No child should be stuck in the hospital at any time but especially during the holidays. I would love to make a child smile during on Christmas day. I love giving and that would be the ultimate way to give. I know some of you may be asking yourself why Snoopy? Well I had a stuffed Snoopy dog when I was a child that always brought me joy even during some scary times in my childhood. He represents happiness and safety to me.

So there you have it my wish list for Christmas. What would your wish list look like?

Farewell Blue Demon

When I was down and out I purchased this car. When my mother passed I wrecked it but she still ran. My friend Jason and I put another radiator in her and fixed her headlight. The blue demon made it cross country with my partner and I intact. She wasn't a chariot of gold but she was loyal. I created a lot of found memories with her help. Unfortunately she became too unsafe to drive and I couldn't afford to put in money into fixing her. I chose to junk her out. I am hoping to eventually get a car. Public transportation and carpooling aren't that bad. I will eventually save and purchase another vehicle. I will always be grateful for the blue demon...farewell old faithful.

Cherish the Now

October 17, 2010 is a day I will never forget. It was a day that my life changed forever. On that day my mother died unexpectedly. For years my mother had been struggling with her health however I was expecting her to pass suddenly. I always tried to take care of her until I couldn’t anymore.  I think that is the problem with the way some of us live our lives. We don’t take time to admire what we have until it is gone.

That day was tragic for me because I hadn’t spoken with my mother in a while. Like people often do we had a misunderstanding and a disagreement. Both of us hurt by the others actions. She had tried contact me a week before she passed but I wasn’t ready to talk. She left me a message telling me what a great daughter I was and that she loved me. My mother and I had misunderstanding however our love for each other out weighed them.  I decided I was going to contact my mother after vacation but when my plane landed it was too late. I am at peace with her death and in my heart I know that she knows I will always love her.  For a year I debated sharing this story. I decided to share this story to let others know don’t put off tomorrow what should be done today. None of us know what the future holds. Cherish the now moments you have. Always….always say what you need to say.

I didn’t get to go to my mother’s grave to pay my respects due to me being about 2000 miles away. I asked my friends to go and take pictures. They did one even better and took a bouquet of my mother’s favorite flowers and mine. My friend text me and said “I talked to your mom and said a prayer for you”. I have some of the best friends in the world and I am blessed. It isn’t always blood that makes you family. I just want to say thank you to my friends they will never know how much this meant to me.  You put a smile on my face as well as my mother’s.